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icks.
21 April 2012 @ 08:16 pm
I always feel so guilty when I want to escape.

I think to myself, "why do i want to get out of here so badly?"

my life is so great. caden is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. He's at that age where its so fun to be around him. He's learning so much, and he's really developing a fun personality. I'm around him as soon as I get home from work, on the weekends, and until I drop him off at school on Monday. We go shopping, go out to eat together, clean the house together, play games together, and watch his shows together.

but sometimes, i would really like an adult to TALK to. Not just chit chat, but really grab a bottle of wine, and have some meaningful conversations. I feel like everyone is so consumed in their lives right now, that we really don't have time for one another. We don't even talk about anything serious anymore. and that's what i really need. just someone to talk to and dig deep.
 
 
icks.
27 February 2012 @ 08:16 pm
i watched my sisters ultrasound today. it brought back the happiness, hope, and finally heartache i felt only months ago.

i don't care what people say. abortion is murder.
 
 
icks.
30 January 2012 @ 09:54 pm
I bought a different dress to wear to the wedding. It suits me more and I feel comfortable in it.
 
 
icks.
21 January 2012 @ 09:47 pm
i have a hair appt on monday. i'm so nervous. i hate going to the salon. they always say i have grays, they always say i have dandruff, and they always say i need to get my hair cut more often. why don't you think i do?! because you guys make me feel like complete sh*t. its not an enjoyable experience. i sit out in the open with foils in my hair and make up completely rubbed off. i look HORRIBLE. why don't they put you in a room?!

i did find a dress today though. i really liked it when i was there. but now im thinking its not the look i was going for. the wedding is outside in a garden. i should have got a more spring-ish dress. this is too formal maybe. but, its not like the guys are wearing hawaiian shirts or anything casual like that. so, it should be okay. its just--ughh i dont know.

im begining to hate dressing up. and attempting to look pretty. just hasnt been working out for me. how bad is it that i wish i was pregnant so i could have an excuse. i look at pictures with me in it and i literally feel like i ruined the picture. everyone looks amazing but me. to make it worse, i can't untag myself from pictures on facebook anymore.

From now on im taking the camera with me. so that i can be the one TAKING the pictures, not posing for them.
 
 
icks.
31 December 2011 @ 11:06 pm
my resolution this year is to get healthy. i have neglected this for a long time and its catching up to me. i wont go into my symptoms, but i never feel "good". this year, i am making best friends with the doctor's office.
 
 
 
icks.
07 December 2011 @ 08:13 pm
Feeling a little better these days...

1. the allegations against me were dismissed because Ron is a NUT JOB

2. finally saw emily and sam, and i feel like we had a great time together

3. finally stopped bleeding from the miscarraige, which was an awful every day reminder

4. insurance finally kicked in which is amazing because we have a really good plan

5. christmas is coming up, and its my favorite holiday

I really like being a mom and doing all these holiday things with caden. In the past week, we've been to two plays, a christmas festival, and got our christmas tree up. I've always enjoyed the holidays. Just being with my friends and family make me so cheerful. I really feel lucky this time of the year.
 
 
icks.
18 November 2011 @ 10:06 pm
i wish i could believe in god again. everything is so much easier.


But- how can i believe in someone who makes children go hungry, who makes babies be abused. You tell me god has a plan. who benefits from it? and why does the bible have such terrible stories?

what makes this religon different? People have believed in different things for centuries. many gods, women gods. why do we think we know the answer?

i'm jealous.
 
 
icks.
30 September 2010 @ 05:38 pm
for probably the first time in my life, i have no idea whats going on in my friends' lives. :(
 
 
icks.
12 August 2009 @ 01:50 pm
my home is beautiful.
 
 
icks.
21 November 2008 @ 10:46 am
what i have to do next week..

  • drop off birds at the florists.
  • pick up wedding dress at for the bride.
  • get manicure/pedicure... anyone wanna go with me friday AM?
  • attend thanksgiving dinner
  • pack for honeymoon
  • clean the house
  • pack caden for grandma's house
  • relax, relax, RELAX.

    at the ceremony, i am walking down the staircase. the high heels are NOT the problem, my feet prefer them more so than any other shoe. the problem would be ANXIETY. i keep thinking about the possibilities of fainting or vomiting. Not so much the fact that i'm spending the rest of my life with this one person, but at the fact that the past 8 months have been built up to this ONE moment. this ONE moment.

    ....

    i have to do some meditation and breathing techniques next week to help me get through this.
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    Current Mood: anxiousanxious